True Self-Esteem

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True self-esteem is not a destination, but a continuous journey of self-awareness, growth, and learning. Every interaction with others offers an opportunity for guidance, correction, and understanding—if we are open to it. In this article, I outline some of the most significant hurdles I had to overcome to reach a state of mind where this awareness became a part of my daily life. My path may not be identical to yours, but the lessons I learned could resonate with you, helping you find peace and joy without limits.

The first step in my journey was developing a basic understanding of human nature. This foundation was built through gradual learning, starting when I read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie at the age of 16. While the book’s title might suggest surface-level social skills, its true value lies in its lessons on understanding people at a deeper level. I believe a more fitting title would be Understanding Basic Human Nature.

This understanding allowed me to navigate interactions without becoming easily offended by others' actions or attitudes. Importantly, understanding did not mean blindly accepting these behaviors but rather recognizing their roots. It also helped me understand why people often reject truth and, in turn, helped me better understand myself.

In my mid-20s, I encountered the Serenity Prayer. Its timeless wisdom became a cornerstone in my journey:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” —Reinhold Niebuhr

Around the same time, I started studying the Christian Bible, particularly the Sermon on the Mount and the Proverbs. These teachings provided the tools to internalize and apply the Serenity Prayer, helping me accept what I couldn’t control, take action where I could, and discern the difference.

The next step was learning to love myself unconditionally—developing true self-esteem. This was not a quick or easy process. Self-esteem is not just about feeling good about yourself; it’s about respecting and valuing yourself for who you are, independent of external validation.

For me, a lack of true self-esteem manifested in harmful behaviors like substance abuse, poor diet, and neglecting my physical health. These were outward signs of an internal struggle. While your manifestations may differ, they will be present if you honestly examine yourself—unless you are already operating from a core of true self-esteem.

It’s important to distinguish between low self-esteem and false self-esteem. I didn’t have low self-esteem; rather, I had a false sense of worth that relied on external factors. For example:

• Relationships with others who had low self-esteem: Supporting and encouraging them gave me a temporary sense of worth.
• Serving others through charitable acts: While acts like food drives and homelessness outreach are admirable, I realized I was doing them to feel needed.

This realization hit me hard when my dying mother pointed out that I was feeding my "need to be needed" instead of addressing my deeper issues. Her words were a catalyst for change. After her passing, I began the process of building true self-esteem—an internal sense of worth that is not dependent on external validation.

Recognizing false self-esteem requires honest self-reflection. Here are some questions to consider:

• Do you feel hurt or resentful when others don’t appreciate your help?
• Does praise and admiration temporarily boost your mood, especially if you were feeling down beforehand?
• Do you help others to gain a sense of worth, rather than out of genuine love and kindness?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may be feeding a false sense of self-esteem. True self-esteem, on the other hand, comes from helping others without seeking anything in return—not even their gratitude. It means loving and supporting others while maintaining your peace and self-worth, regardless of their reactions.

When you develop true self-esteem, you radiate positive energy—what some might call "good vibes." This energy isn’t wasted on feeding a false sense of worth, allowing you to grow and attract positive manifestations in your life. However, this growth also brings challenges, such as dealing with "Energy Vampires."

"Energy Vampires" are negative souls who drain your energy. They may not realize what they’re doing, but their presence can be exhausting. Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean tolerating abuse. It’s essential to set boundaries and practice "tough love" when necessary. This means addressing harmful behaviors with love and compassion but also protecting your own well-being.

As you develop true self-esteem, you’ll need to temper your experiences with humility and assertiveness. Positive feedback and respect from others can intoxicate and lead to pride unless grounded in humility. On the other hand, negativity and criticism from others can cause stress and frustration unless addressed with assertiveness and self-respect.

For example, even Christ demonstrated righteous indignation when confronted with injustice, as seen when he overturned the tables of the money changers in the temple. This shows that assertiveness, when rooted in love and justice, is a healthy and necessary response to negativity.

Here are some steps that worked for me:

1. Find Mentors: Surround yourself with people who love you enough to provide honest feedback, even when it’s uncomfortable. These individuals will challenge you to grow.
2. Examine Your Reactions: When someone’s words upset you, step back and ask yourself if there’s validity to what they’re saying. This takes courage and honesty.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no to toxic behaviors while maintaining love and compassion for others.
4. Focus on Humility: Remember that you are not better or worse than anyone else. True self-esteem is about recognizing your intrinsic worth without comparison.
5. Help Without Expectation: Act out of love and kindness, not to gain praise or validation.

The following words, found on the wall of Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta, beautifully encapsulate the essence of true self-esteem:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway. If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

True self-esteem is a journey, not a destination. It strengthens with each passing day as you learn to love yourself, set boundaries, and act out of genuine compassion and humility. Along the way, you’ll encounter hurdles unique to your path, but with courage and self-awareness, you’ll grow into the best version of yourself. Remember, this process is deeply personal, so focus on your own journey rather than comparing it to others.

Embrace the challenges, cherish the lessons, and know that you are on your way to living with true self-esteem.

Author: John Thomas (2009)